I left my Cessna 185 float plane on the dock and quickly made my way up to the store, I had gone from 180lbs down to a ghastly 155lbs over the summer by working all day and never finding any decent food. All I could ever find was chocolate bars, potato chips, and pop. I didn’t much care for this diet so I just starved most of the time. Now, if I were anywhere else I would be afraid to head into a public place looking a smelling like I did. I had gone weeks with no access to a shower with the same old clothes recycled again and again. My mouth smelled like a combination of rotten deer flesh and PCB’s. I am sure my ass was no better as there was no toilet paper fairy in the middle of nowhere. I was just thankful Mother Nature blessed humans with a nose that can’t smell their own rot! I entered the store and went over to the fruit and veggie section. If you ever have had the pleasure of heading way up north in Canada you will know to bring tons of cash because they don’t take Visa, and the prices are unbelievable. One half an orange was 5 dollars (and that was in 199)! Veggies were even worse. I carefully selected what I could afford and on my way to the checkout I walked pass the freezer. Big mistake! There in the freezer I'd occasionally find my best friend; and at others my worst nightmare. It was a frozen Sara Lee Cheese cake. Maybe it had been the fact they I hadn’t seen a female for more than 2 minutes all summer - don't know; but that picture of Sara on the front of the box had never looked so inviting.

I picked up the box and I instantly flashed back to my childhood memories of indulging in the sweet taste of the Cherries. The cheese cake and that graham wafer crust all mixed together at the perfect temperature was heaven. Of course I never thought about the violent stomach cramps and explosive diarrhea that occurred every second time I would eat it! I took my bag full of loot and ran down to the dock to eat my goodies. I opened my Sara Lee cheese cake and let it melt in the warm sun until it reached perfection. Perfection for a frozen cheese cake enthusiast is a semi-solid state. It is only there for a few brief moments, but today was my day, and Sara did not disappoint. My stomach had been empty for so long that I could not stop eating the cake; it just kept getting better and better with every fork full.

The hot sun was shinning down on me and for the first time in a month I was full. Full of fruit, and cheese cake and, I had a charter to do in the next half an hour. It was a three hour flight to a near by community. Like most stupid men I didn’t think much of the consequences of eating an entire cheese cake and piloting a small plane with no toilet for the next three hours. To this day I don’t know why it never occurred to me. I imagine I truly was living from moment to moment with no thought of the future. I pumped the water out of the floats and checked over the plane before my passengers arrived.

Soon two Native men and a woman arrived with barely any luggage. It was always a pleasure to fly passengers who understood small planes don’t fly with lots of weight. I don’t know how many times I have argued with drunk fishermen who demanded to get 12 dozen beer and all of their gear into a small plane. They always asked me if we could give it a try. Now I thought I was dumb for eating a cheese cake, but . . . "give it a try?"!!! "Sure bud", I'd say, "but when we crash we will have to off load the beer. Is that ok?" I actually had one guy think that was fair! Anyway I loaded the heaviest male up front and the other two in the back and we pushed off. After a brief warm up we were on the way cruising around 4500 feet ASL.

The first hour was uneventful. Then the first contraction hit me and so did the childhood memories that I had been unfairly seduced into forgetting by Sara Lee’s picture. The first contraction didn’t last long and like an idiot I thought if I just relax it will go away. Why wouldn’t it? After all, I was trapped in a small plane at 4500 feet, it was 30 degrees Celsius and I was packed full of cheese cake. What could go wrong?

Soon my contractions were getting closer together and my breathing and relaxing was only making it worse. The sweat was pouring off my hot greasy forehead like a shaken pop bottle full of pin pricks. It took all my concentration to keep the plane level and keep my sphincter shut at the same time. The pressure was now so great I had to have a hand assist in the ass holding while the other one clutched the control column for dear life. I needed to think fast or it was going to be all over for me, and then for the first time all day my brain kicked into action. “Your in a float plane and there are lakes below you. Land and shit you idiot!", I thought to myself. I waited for the contraction to back off so I could remove my hand from my crack. I new that I wouldn’t have much time as the next cramp would be the mother load. I pulled the power back and put full flaps out. We were descending but not quick enough. Luckily I remembered my days as a flying instructor. A foreword slip was what I needed so I dropped a wing and hit full opposite rudder.

There was no passenger briefing. If I spoke I would shit! They would just have to be briefed afterwards.

For those of you that don’t know what a forward slip is, it is when the planes nose is pointed about 30 to 40 degrees off the direction it is traveling, it is extremely uncomfortable for passengers but it is the only way to rapidly lose altitude without gaining airspeed. Since I had the power off and the flaps out there were no other tricks left. I was coming down fast and my final contraction was coming on strong. All I could think to my self was "Sara Lee you Bitch! how could you do this to me?"!

Now normally when you approach a unfamiliar lake you make a pass over it and look for rocks and floating logs, but there were exceptions to that rule and I was making one right now. The lake was coming up real fast now and I had to slow this decent. I eased out of my slip and pulled back on the yoke in the middle of a lake no man had probably ever been to, let alone shit in.

I hit the lake hard! I had no time, or patience for a greasy landing. I don’t remember much past this point other than scrambling to get out of the plane as fast as I could. As soon as your brain tells your ass that your seconds away from relief everything drops into the fire position!

I got onto the float and as soon as the my belt line crossed the anus line it let go! I sat on the step that goes from the float to the plane and I am sure my terrified passengers were watching in horror as I painted the floats and side of the airplane in Sara Lee brown. To make things worse bubble window were installed on the plane . You could see much more out of those than a standard window. I would like to say it was quick; but it wasn’t. Sara would not let go of me for a good twenty minutes.

When it was all over I got out my trusty float pump and pumped fresh lake water onto the once white floats and made them pure again. I pathetically pretended to work on the engine for a few moments while I mustard up the courage to reenter the airplane. I open the door and everyone looked straight ahead. No words were spoken. We continued on to their destination and at destination they left the plane like nothing ever happened. I recon they probably needed their space. That's ok because I never wanted to see them again after that.

I often wonder what their version of the story would be. Maybe one day I will find out.

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